Snakes
by ProxyPromethea
Summary: Prompt: "Avengers Assemble Because Loki's Meeting His Son's Girlfriend. . . Nessie the Loch Ness Monster" ; Crack fill. Only pairing is Nessie/Jörmungandr Loki's giant sea serpent son in Norse mythology


**Warnings:** brief language  
**Prompt (short version) :** Avengers Assemble Because Loki's Meeting His Son's Girlfriend. . . Nessie the Loch Ness Monster  
**Disclaimer:** All characters and associated places/things/etc. within the Marvel universe belong to their respective owners, none of which are me.

**Author's Notes:**I fell in love with the prompt for this. Seriously. I know I failed to do it justice, so forgive me, but I just couldn't pass up giving it a fill. Norse mythology, snakes, and conspiracy theories are my lifeblood, right up there next to fanfiction and all around geekery. And so along the way I kinda sorta realized I totally ship Jörmungandr/Nessie but I ship anything given incentive so whatever, life choices.

This is terribly un-beta'd and written at about three thirty in the morning on no energy. If there's any errors, please feel free to point 'em out. Comments loved and welcomed as always. This can also be found on my LJ under the same pen name.

Reader beware: this is crackier than what I normally do.

* * *

"Is that a snake in your loch or are you just happy to see me?"

"Really, Stark? You track Loki all the way across the Scottish Highlands and come across two giant-ass snakes and that's the best you got? Psh. Amateur."

Darcy threw popcorn at the screen in Agent Coulson's office, watching the video feed from Iron Man's suit. She had come in to get some papers signed by the boss-man, only to find him watching the monitor on his desk with an incredulous stare. Darcy had quickly forgone the paperwork to skirt around the intimidating desk, convinced there was some way-kinky-porn-watching she wasn't in on, but this. . . . this was _so much better_.

She could just imagine how the debriefing this morning with Director Fury must have gone.

_There are some motherfucking snakes near a motherfucking Scottish plain. It's scaring the tourists. Get rid of them._

Well, she assumed Scotland had plains. Or was that Spain? Fuck it. There was rain falling wherever the Avengers were at, and that was good enough for her.

"Agent Lewis, could you at least try to maintain a modicum of decency?"

"Iron Man just made a penis joke in front of two gods, the Loch Ness Monster, and what looks like the Loch Ness Monster's boyfriend or older brother. I think we're way beyond modicum of decency."

Coulson heaved an exasperated sigh, making a grab at some of the popcorn Darcy had miraculously managed to procure. Honestly, he was a high-ranking S.H.I.E.L.D. official and he got the assistant who never learned to file papers but somehow intuitively knew all the food joints in a five-mile radius.

"Stop it." She slapped his hand away, junk food reflexes as finely tuned as befit a top government agent, eyes glued to the screen. "I'm trying to watch the basilisks!"

"Agent Lewis, what the hell is a-"

"Shh! Voldemort's talking!"

The camera was trained on Loki, and the two could only assume in the time they had been arguing over the popcorn the Avengers had moved within shouting distance of the two Asguardians and their serpent companions.

Loki twisted his face into a sneer, "Relax, Avengers. I am not here to cause terror today. I have only come to Midguard to visit my son and his betrothed."

From the way the screen jilted, the two in the office could only assume the news that the God of Mischief had _spawned something_ literally took Stark aback.

Amidst the heavy Scottish rain, they could hear Romanov shout out, "Then go visit him, and leave us to deal with the snakes."

A great booming laugh cut through, and from the way it rose even above the rain hitting the iron suit, it couldn't belong to anyone but Thor, who clasped his brother on the shoulder. Loki barely stumbled from the sudden attention, but irritation was quickly rising from the forefront, visible even on the low zoom setting.

"But dear friends! This _is_ his son, Jörmungandr!"

Darcy, to her credit, only spit out a tiny bit of buttery goodness before she began to guffaw.

"Jour mother? Did he just say. . . . That's what he said right? Oh man, I love this job."

Coulson brushed off some of the popcorn that managed to hit his suit. It really said something that he was already used to his assistant spilling foodstuffs all over his uniform if he no longer so much as spared her a glance.

He'd figure out exactly what it said later, when he wasn't busy watching Captain America nearly faint off the corner of the screen. Coulson watched in fascination as a blush managed to work its way across the super soldier's neck and face, and felt one of his own when he realized what the Captain was thinking about.

Darcy opened her mouth. Coulson slapped a reddening palm over it before she could ask.

"Don't even think about it."

It seemed the instructions didn't make it all the way across the Atlantic, because they heard Tony's voice next.

"What'd you have to bang to get a giant snake as a son?"

Natasha rubbed her forehead with her knuckles in a practiced motion, careful not to pull the triggers on the large guns she carried. "I'm in Hell."

Thor tilted his head, uncomprehending the frustration on his friends' faces, and boomed, "You are mistaken, Miss Widow, for that is where my brother's daughter is, not his son!"

Bruce made an interested hmm, it was the sound Darcy knew only a scientist could make when faced with validation of a fiery afterlife.

Loki had turned back around, and was busy talking to the smaller large snake. Darcy took a moment to ponder the potential oxymoron, before tuning back in.

"So, Nessie is it? How exactly did you two meet? The language barrier must have been difficult to overcome." The polite, faintly British, voice was at odds with the horns on Loki's helmet. The two agents watching the feed tried to reconcile the dialogue more at home in a romantic comedy and the outfit more at home on an episode of Xena, and failed miserably. They could see, as the camera turned to face the four members of the Avengers not currently in an iron suit or chilling with snakes like it was an everyday occurrence, that they weren't the only ones struggling with the image.

"Language barrier? They're both snakes!" That was from Clint. Poor guy looked just as frustrated as Natasha and Steve. Bruce just looked serene, which Darcy supposed was a good thing- the last thing the situation seemed to call for was another large green hulk.

"Obviously," Loki sniffed in disdain, "Nessie is from Scotland. How is she supposed to know Norse?"

Natasha opted to respond with a raised eyebrow, and Darcy swore only she could make it work at a time like this.

Steve opted to respond by pinching himself, thinking he perhaps would wake up and find today a dream.

Clint opted for sharing a look with Bruce, both unsure as to how they wound up on this team again.

Tony opted for a double dose of snark and sarcasm, the word loud given that his helmet was the source of the video and audio feed. "Obviously."

Darcy opted for stuffing more popcorn into her mouth.

"Huh. Snake isn't universal. You learn something new everyday."

"Something?" Agent Coulson said, giving her his own incredulous look. "Which part of this did you know before today?"

"You kidding me? This is pretty much _Days of Our Lives_ but with gods and superheroes. I'm just waiting for one of them to reveal they have a twin brother. . . Hey. Does the Hulk count as- "

"Agent Lewis!"

"Quieting down, sir. Sheesh."

The snakes were hissing, coiling around each other in what Darcy assumed and Coulson hoped was a serpent approximation of a cuddle.

"So, when am I getting grandbabies?"

To her credit, Darcy tried to remain quiet. She succeeded too. . . for a whole thirty seconds. Twenty of those seconds were spent grappling with Coulson for her phone so she could take a picture of Loki standing there in front of the serpents, looking for all the world like her own mother when she brought home a boyfriend for Hannukah last year. Come to think of it, the bigger snake kind of looked like her boyfriend. . . .

In the background on the feed she could hear an irritated yell - _how the fuck does that even _- and a delightedly humored response - _when a mommy snake and a daddy snake love each other very much, they give each other a special kiss _- and practically everyone in the area - _shut up, Stark - _but it was drowned out under Coulson's shouts as she powered up her cell phone.

"This is _so_ going on Facebook."


End file.
